KV-cache quantization is framed as a quality--latency trade-off. We show it is \emph{inverted} on Apple Silicon's unified memory: a single fused Metal kernel (sign-randomized FFT + per-channel λ+ per-group abs-max + int4 nibble pack), exposed as a HuggingFace \texttt{Cache} subclass, runs \emph{faster than fp16} across 256--4096-token prefixes on Gemma-3 1B (−3 to −8% ms/tok) and at short context on Qwen2.5-1.5B (−0.7 to −2.6% through 1K), with 3× persistent memory compression and quality preserved (\dPPL=0.000 Qwen short-prompt; +3.6 hook \dPPL Gemma). The kernel's ∼25,ns/vec overhead is below the bandwidth savings from 3× compression. The fused kernel also closes Qwen's 4-bit per-token catastrophe (\dPPL=+7975→+638.6, 12.5× reduction) at 182,GFLOPS / D=128. Supporting findings: \SRFT and \SRHT are statistically indistinguishable for KV quality (we pick \SRFT for mixed-radix and matrix-multiply alignment); a learned-rotation ablation surfaces a regularization role for the fixed random SRFT base (learning R+λ without SRFT lowers calibration MSE 84.9% vs 50.3% but yields worse PPL); Householder rotations at k=d/2 reflectors are effectively lossless at d=256.